She Is A Stargazer... (A Day In The Life Of A Bi Polar Woman)

When I am drawing my heart opens up and I feel great tenderness for the woman I am creating. I realized that she is part of me, a part that I could not access through words, and when she is tentative I feel myself tremble a little and sit with a pastel in my hand wondering if I can do her justice, but if I can draw her maybe I can see these places in myself and heal them and let her know, ever so gently, that she is cared for and loved, just as she is. I can hold her in my arms and tell her that she is okay, and know that I am okay too.

I also realize that my goal in drawing these women is to reach other women in the hope that they can see themselves too in a way that they never have before and perhaps come to a place of understanding, of knowing, of realizing that these places exist and in offering them I am not only offering a piece of my heart, but hoping to help them accept and love themselves. The text to go with the photos in the little book of drawings I am creating will reflect on how the process of making art has been very healing to me, and that if they can find an activity that engages them deeply outside of themselves, as a practice, the fear will begin to dissipate and they can release some of what has long held them back and kept them from living and celebrating their whole authentic self, the one that has gifts and talents and even joy that they had not been able to find before. My dreams are big, but so is my desire to help other women as I turn the page and begin to allow the many women inside of me emerge and reveal themselves. I am so much more than I ever knew, and so is she, and so are you.

Sometimes I feel myself disengaging and fading from the world. I know that no one can see me, and that I don't want to be seen.

Sometimes I feel so blue and frightened as I lay in bed I don't know if I can face another day...

It takes awhile for me to surface and I am very, very quiet. I don't answer the phone unless it is someone very close to me and I fear it may be urgent, and I feel released and able to breathe again when I am able to hang up and sit with my animals in the silence.

There are days when I try to fade from view, I go outside and try to blend in with the trees, deep in my woods. I am a dryad, a tree spirit, and I believe that no one can see me here...

Most days I can feel myself begin to emerge after a few hours of solitude and silence and I can begin to work, I will usually answer the phone, the color starts to come back into my cheeks, I can feel myself re-entering my body, I am able to hold on and know that I will get through...

... I feel more vibrant and alive, and relief comes over me in waves...

I am able to accept the darkness, and the light, I know that being bi polar I will continue to go through these cycles, but I am at peace, finally, with all of these places inside of me, and I no longer care if I fit in with the rest of the world, I know that I have something to offer just as I am, I relax into all that I am, I pick up a pastel and begin to draw...

... and I come to realize that she who is me holds much beauty inside, and joy rises, and I hear the birds sing just outside my windows, and my animals draw close and I can feel their ease. I answer the phone cheerfully,  and I write with an energy I could not muster earlier. I have come through another day and bi polar or not it is a good life. I can gaze at the stars and feel elated. I am part of this Universe, I am a child of God, I am enough just as I am. 

I will make it.