"Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self."
~ May Sarton ~
Dear Ones...
I have been thinking a lot about loneliness of late. It has been a presence in my life the last few months and I begin to examine why. Part of it has come, I believe, with the passing of my mother in December which affected me not only due to the loss of her but also because it was a sea change that had a kind of domino effect in my life. With my mother's passing a great many other changes came, a number of other things faded away like spent flower petals falling softly to the ground. It is part of the cycle of life and, for a time, can cut very deep, but it also opens a place deep inside of us, allows more room for new things to come in.
If we sit with our loneliness and appreciate it for the gift that it is it can be a beautiful thing, even amidst the sharp edge of emptiness, fear, and often the subsequent depression that follows. I once wrote in a book I was working on, "Loneliness has eaten so many holes in me I feel like a piece of swiss cheese." And so it felt. But it can also be a time filled with deep teachings, a chance to be still and silent, to revel in the solitude that surrounds us, and to contemplate all that our life is and holds. This is the way I am approaching it in a time that is filled with change, uncertainty, and still in all many blessings, if I open my heart to recognizing them, that can begin to fill my cup once more once I have noted and remembered them and given thanks for their many gifts.
When I feel lonely I go out into the
garden with the dogs and pick tiny
flowers for my kitchen windowsill
garden. Nasturtiums are one of my
favorite flowers and I plant every
variety I can find...
garden with the dogs and pick tiny
flowers for my kitchen windowsill
garden. Nasturtiums are one of my
favorite flowers and I plant every
variety I can find...
"There's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their "discomfort" like a favorite shirt."
~ Jhonen Vasquez ~
I read the above quote with a shock of recognition. Many were the days and times I would go through such long cycles of depression that if I hadn't had the animals to care for I might not have gotten out of bed at all. Today when I feel lost or lonely or sad I allow the feeling long enough to really look at it, to examine it, to try to see why I am feeling this way, and then look to ways that I might move out of that space. I bless the loneliness for the revelatory moments it has brought, and then I move on. For some reason Saturday nights have been particularly lonely. I think it's because I used to spend the time with the one whom I love who is far away working now, but I allow feelings of love for her to fill this empty void and I look for something productive to do. Last night I brought boxes and bags of fiber and sat them next to my chair and worked at hand-spinning a new art yarn while I watched a movie. I was moved out of loneliness into a place of peace and joy. I am finding that loneliness only takes up a place in my life if I allow it...
Piles of fiber...
My velcro pug and fiber helper, Sampson...
The "Pug Fun Art Yarn" I am spinning...
My Saturday night was transformed by spinning fibers into yarn with a pug sleeping against my shoulder and completely engrossed in the movie I was watching. I went to bed feeling content and yes, even happy.
Loneliness, the clearest of crystal insight into your own soul, it's the fear of one's own self that haunts the lonely.
~ Keith Haynie ~
I read the above quote and felt a murmur of recognition. Thoughts tumbled over one another like a brook bubbling over stones. What part of myself haunts the hours of loneliness? And, too, I thought that I always want to remember this quote, to see lonely times as a time to have crystal insight into my soul. There are far too few times that we are awake and aware enough to have these clear insights. Perhaps the sharp edge of loneliness cuts the dross away so that we can see our world and our life.
I am not lonely now. I am listening to Garrison Keillor on NPR, about to take up my spindle and get back to spinning the yarn above. It is an enormous spindle and a delight to work with, a gift from a spinner friend long ago. Though friends fade from our lives as well rather than mourning their passing we can remember the love and happy times and revel in the gifts the friendship has left us with. I cannot use this spindle without smiling remembering the dear friend who gave it to me and wishing her well on her journey, wherever she is.
And so in a room filled with snoring pugs, and a big black silent dog, and parrots chirping and talking in the next room, I thank God for this day, I feel grateful for my life, and I bow to those moments of loneliness that have taught me so much.
In closing I want to share with you a thought that just passed through my mind as I finish this blog entry. I was thinking about the Zen kōan, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" It is one of the great puzzlers taught by Zen Masters. I just marveled over the thought that a blog entry is the answer to that kōan. I write this entry and send it out into the world not knowing who might read it or how it will be received, and in the end it doesn't really matter. I am one hand, and you, dear reader, are the other. Together we make joyful clapping sounds. Keeping a blog means you are never lonely...
