The days following my last post have been peaceful.
Have I worried or been afraid if I will be alright, if I will be able to make an income, if I can trust what I believe, with my whole heart, to be true?
No, no, and no, I have not been afraid, and yes, I trust.
Do I wonder how it will all happen, am I filled with hope, do I get a little shy around the belief in myself needed to create what I believe I am here on this earth to create?
I wonder, I get a little shy, I smile, I get a little fidgety, my heart flutters a bit... in excitement, because I know that I can survive and from that place of knowing, from a place of sitting, very still, and in a quiet meditative place taking time to listen to that still small voice within, all of the answers that I need are coming, floating up one at a time. I don't need to see the whole picture now because I couldn't do everything at once anyway. I get quiet, I listen, I pray for guidance, I trust the answers.
One thing that has really come up for me in an amazing way is the realization that when I stop trying to do what I think I'm supposed to do in a way that works for others, that I have been encouraged to do, only to become afraid and frozen and shut down, when I gently release those ideas of how it should be, and stop criticizing myself because I feel that I should have been able to, and sit with it all for awhile, really releasing it all, something shifts. What happens is that when you listen very closely all that you need is already there inside of you. Yes, there will be outside things that you need to learn or do to see those dreams into reality, but those things are easy once you have confidence in yourself and your dream. I never had that confidence. I was waiting for someone else to tell me that it was alright.
I am alright just as I am, right now, in this very moment. I am not afraid of hard work. I can do what I need to do. To that end I am already creating a website that will be in place to create income in a way that I feel good about that is separate and apart from the work that I hope will one day be my full time work, but it is all connected and true and authentic and part of my soul. It has to do with gardening, and more than that I am not yet ready to share. Too early. But I will say that in finding a way that I can create income now, with gifts and talents that I already have, enables me to breathe a little. Too much pressure put on heart~work to be the sole means of income just kills the very soul of the enterprise. It is too much for it to bear. It will never see the light of day if you crush it with expectations it cannot hope to live up to as it is just getting up on its wobbly newborn legs. Let it grow unfettered and free. My work will be from home but it will be the equivalent of a day job that feeds one's passion, and as it is about gardening it is also a passion.
When we focus so completely on one way of looking at things, or achieving our dreams, we limit ourselves in such a way that we are almost surely dooming it to failure. I have cast my net wide, become expansive with my notion about what can be my work in this world, have begun to look at what for me are more practical and perhaps a little less dreamy pieces of the puzzle but still all part of the dream. All of the parts support the whole. I have stood back, taken a good look at my life, and saw that there was so much more there than I had ever given myself credit for. I am amazed by my own abilities, by the gifts and talents that I have that I never thought about using because I took them for granted, and as all the parts and pieces are moving closer together I see that they are all part of the same tapestry and they are woven fine. Woven together my life begins to look both possible and doable and in a way that will make me happy. I thought anything less than being able to fully and solely achieve my soft little dream was, well, not selling out, but taking away from the potency of that which I had hoped to create. No, when we take care of one part of our life it creates a vibrant energy that spreads through the whole life at hand. A mystical, magical, mysteriously awesome experience.
That I have found this, almost by accident, to be true for me is a revelation, and it is true for you too.
How often do we find ourselves living by others shoulds, oughts and musts? What happens if we gently let all of those things fall away -- scary, entering the unknown, actually trusting ourselves -- and let those little fragments break free and float up to the surface? Those little pieces of dreams that we have pushed down so hard they might never have surfaced again. And they might not be easy to retrieve but it is so worth taking the time to try to reconnect with them. Do this...
Find a little time each day to sit quietly, to be with yourself in a comfortable, peaceful place. It may be for 10 minutes at night when you are actually in bed before you go to sleep.
Sit, close your eyes, breathe, and picture your beautiful heart opening up, slowly, maybe just a little. In whatever way is comfortable for you tell your heart that you are ready to listen, to receive the messages that are meant for you to hear. Imagine tiny little notes escaping from the opening and floating up, up, up. Try to read what these little notes say, it may be a word, a phrase, a picture. These are the messages your heart is sending you, and will keep sending you, until you are ready to hear them. You may not be able to read them yet. Come each night with a willingness to listen. It is your life that you are listening to. It is your soul trying to call out to you to bring you back to the place of innocence and longing, dreaming and hoping, wanting dearly to have or do or be or achieve that special thing we held so dear before the loss of innocence, when everyone around us gave us a hundred reasons, a thousand, why it could never be so. Look at the faces around you. How many look sad? How many are walking through life with the weight of long lost dreams weighing them down?
I think a lot of depression comes from closing our heart so tight and determinedly not listening because we feel that it isn't safe, that what we hear will be frivolous, or impractical, that we will be made fun of, that we aren't up to the task, that we let them sink to the bottom of the sea of our soul. I think more people than less die with broken and lost dreams in their heart. Is there anything sadder? What if you try and it doesn't pan out the way you had imagined? Well, what I am finding out so far -- and I am still very early on in this journey -- is that once you trust enough to make a start you may not come, in the end, to the place you thought you wanted to go, but most likely you will come to the very place you are supposed to be, or at the very least you will have come closer, and be more fulfilled, than you would have ever been without trying.
It's only your life. Do you want to die without trying? All we can do is try, but the very act of believing enough to try is positively life changing, it changes your perspective on everything else around you, every little corner of your day is a new, brighter color simply because you are allowing hope in again. I think belief in ourselves is the hardest part. Then, step by step, it gets easier. There will surely be times when fear rises, we are human, but come back to your night-time meditations with your heart. The messages will keep rising and direct you back to your course. Once you have opened that door it is not easily shut.
It is never too late. It is never, ever too late.
I am just beginning. I am the little horse trying to stand up on wobbly legs, but I am determined to keep on, and to share my journey here with you. There is strength in numbers. Why don't you leave a comment below this post, and you don't have to share what your dream is, but perhaps just say, "I'm with you Maitri, I am ready to listen to my heart, I will not die with my song unsung, I am ready to begin."
It is a journey, not a destination, but it is easier when you know that you are not alone. We have to follow our own individual paths, but we can walk parallel to each other, we can wave to each other and offer a hearty, "Atta girl, keep on keeping on!" to one another.
I'm waving at you now. Will you wave back at me?