Layers, Cells, Constellations ~ Metamorphosis...

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."

Anaïs Nin



"I thought I could change the world. It took me a hundred
years to figure out I can't change the world. I can only
change Bessie. And, honey, that ain't easy either."

Annie Elizabeth "Bessie" Delany at 104



"So it came about that both legally and familiarly,
as well as in my books, I now have only one name,
which is my own."
~ Colette ~



Part of my retreating into my cocoon, my near silence and solitude, was a necessary part of my understanding the different parts of myself, that which had been, that which I am becoming, and the amalgamation of all the various phases and stages along the way.

My childhood left me vulnerable, fragile, naked, tender, soft. I could not have survived that way. Through the years of my young adulthood to my mid forties, marriage and children, to the leaving of the marriage, I had been shape-shifting without knowing it. Through thirty years of writing and teaching and living amidst a family of 5 I was learning more than I realized, and then I was suddenly alone. Somehow that set the seal on the first half of my life, and at that point I began the metamorphic process, entering the cocoon, and a deep and unknown transformation began to take place.

At just past 50, with the finalization of my divorce, I changed my name legally to Maitri, which I have often stated, and I took that name and all it meant to be my guiding star, not that I thought I had achieved maitri, but that in taking the name I would remember all the days of my life that my purpose was to daily try to live up to the Buddhist teaching of loving-kindness and compassion, and further, to write about it, teach it, share it, and plant seeds of compassion all along the way.

My metamorphosis, my true metamorphosis, began to take place when I was ordained the first week in January, but even then I had no idea what I was about to become, or would be becoming for the rest of my days. And I have struggled with the title, with the name, and you have traveled that journey with me if you have been reading my writings here. Officially ordained Reverend Mother Maitri Libellule, I first used Reverend Maitri for ease, and then it felt more appropriate, more humble, to use the simple name Mother Maitri, and then, suddenly, as when the fledgling butterfly first escapes the cocoon, stretches it's wings and looks around at the world, I saw it as if for the first time.

Yes, I am a minister. Yes, I am a writer and teacher. And yes, I am Maitri. And if my most certain direction (... knowing of course that I will be buffeted about, hither and yon, by life...) is to teach, to write about, to share the teachings of loving-kindness and compassion, and all that goes along with the Buddhist teaching of maitri, then, truly, I need nothing more than a single name, save for legal documents...

"So it came about that both legally and familiarly,
as well as in my books, I now have only one name,
which is my own..."



I needn't be concerned about anything else, because my name says it all. It is the reminder that I need, the star that I reach for, the seeds that I spread, the purpose and scope of my teaching and writing all expressed by one little word. Maitri.

Need I say that I am a minister to teach love? Must I use a title to command respect? Certainly not. We earn respect, or we don't, and a title has nothing to do with it. I will be striving, even as I am teaching, to learn, to live the principles of maitri all the days of my life. I believe it is why I was put on this earth. It is what I have to share. It is small and humble and heartfelt, and I need not have a prefix nor a surname to do the work that I was meant to do. I am Maitri. No more, no less.

This is what I went into seclusion to find. And closer and closer I came, down a long and winding road, and I had to be divorced and alone to get here, and I had to take the name Maitri legally to start the process of metamorphosis, and I had to be ordained to allow the cocoon to start to open, and now, with a single name, I can move forward into all that I am, all that I can be, all that I hope for, and dream of, and pray that I am worthy of the name I have taken, and let me wear it with joy, and grace, and be a lantern that leads me through the dark days that surely will come.

In reading this issue of the magazine, The Sun, I was reminded of a quote by Viktor Frankl, a concentration camp survivor. He wrote,

"What is to give light must endure burning."

I thought about that, as I have before, in a way few people would understand. No, I certainly would not have wished to have had a childhood full of abuse, but those long years of burning taught me empathy, compassion, gentleness, and a tender kindness for people who have suffered all manner of afflictions, damaged hearts, trembling souls. And there is not a person on this planet who has not suffered something of the above. We must never look at the outside of a person or their world and judge them above or below us, for we are all on a level playing field, and those who seem to "have it all" sometimes suffer most of all. And the homeless man or woman in the street may be the Saviour dressed in rags. Judge not, less ye be judged. Be maitri. Live maitri. Give, from your deepest heart, love, kindness, and compassion to all.

And so I have reached another fork in the road and I journey onwards. I move slower, and more softly. I am not so quick to make decisions, but to allow myself to be led by life and spirit to the perfect knowing I need in the present moment. I pray that I may be of service to others. I pray for guidance and for help as I do the work ahead.

And I am ready. I am...